THE POST-MODERNIST

Steve Stone: Intellectual, verbose, full of ideas, not very realistic. Always carrying a thick book, which he either reads or consults from time to time.

Hank Sweetly: Red-neck with a capital R. Cowboy boots, a red plaid flannel shirt is open over his T-shirt. Talks loud, rather clumsy, but alas a sweetheart underneath it all.

Phyllis Durant: Talks quickly, walks briskly, dresses stylishly, gestures flamboyantly, enunciates clearly and altogether reminds one of a tennis ball. She also carries around a small tape recorder and occasionally records comments into it.

Mac: Always uses scripts from dialogue boxes, but in uncannily apt times.

Leslie Lovejoy: Always talking about either food or her bathroom activities.

Jane Dobson: Always tries to help but usually makes things worse than they are. Sweet but not very smart. Soft hearted and soft headed.

Dori Maxwell: Intelligent and open minded.

(2) Police

Prosecutor

Judge: Open minded, level headed, and fair. The perfect judge.

Scene One

( Open scene with Dori, Jane, Phyllis, Leslie, Hank, & Steve. Computer with printer are on a side table. Dori is trying to print a document and is angrily talking to the computer.)

Mac: Computer cannot detect printer.

Dori: You can’t detect the printer?! The printer is right there. (points to the printer). I can detect the printer. Why can’t you detect the printer?

Mac: Computer cannot detect the printer. Make sure hardware is turned on and try again.

Dori: It’s turned on, you talking can of spam. See the little light right there? It is turned on.

Mac: Computer cannot detect printer. Are you sure software programs have been properly installed?

Dori: The printer was working fine yesterday. You could detect the printer then. The software program was properly installed yesterday. Did you do something to it?

Mac: Computer cannot detect printer.

Dori: Why am I arguing with a computer?

Jane: Having a little trouble? Maybe I can help.

Dori: No, Jane, it’s all right. I’ll be fine, please, really. I mean I can print it some other time.

Jane: No, no. Let me see. This happened to me one time. You just have to save it onto another drive and . . .

Dori: No, Jane, please, I mean I know you mean well, but remember what happened the last time, I mean . . .

Jane: Yes, that’s it. Now I remember, put the document into another drive and erase it from the original and that frees up the space to connect with the . . .

Mac: Irretrievable error. Document has been lost. Do you wish to proceed?

Dori, devastated, shakes her head in disbelief.

Phyllis: Actually, it isn’t irretrievably lost. There’s always a backup file. You just have to know how to access it.

Mac: Irretrievable error. Document has been lost. Do you wish to proceed?

Phyllis: Don’t talk to me like that. I know your tricks.

Phyllis (to Dori) Here it is.

Dori: Thanks, Phyllis. That was a really important document.

Phyllis: Just doing my job.

Mac: Thanks, Phyllis.

(In this section there are three separate conversations going on at the same time. One between Hank & Steve, one between Dori & Leslie, and one between Phyllis and Jane so those characters should be sitting next to each other, however, they occasionally interject into other conversations. )

(Steve is reading)

Hank: What I really love is to be out in the wild. Sneaking up on a big bull elk. Smelling that fresh air, listening to all the sounds of nature.

Steve: (Looking up from his book.) Which nature?

Hank: Which nature?

Steve: Yes, which nature?

Lovejoy: Well, you know I hadn't gone to the bathroom for a long time, you know, poop. Well, I finally did it but I really had to push hard to get it out.

Dori: (Looking away, trying to show restraint, and wanting to return to her book.)

Leslie: Well, you know I didn’t want to go through that again. So then I went to the opposite extreme. I drank lots of water and ate about six oranges.

Leslie: Wheww!! Did that do the trick. Boy, I was flushed out for good.

Jane: I can’t believe how dumb some people think kids are. For example, my mother always told me to wear shoes at the beach. She said that if I didn’t, tapeworms would bore into my feet and form big huge tapes in my stomach. Can you believe that? I mean, how dumb did she think I was?

Phyllis: Actually, that is very true. It’s quite a common phenomenon.

Jane: You mean people are walking around with great huge tapes in their stomach?

Phyllis: Well, some of them are. And they can grow to lengths of 30 or 40 feet.

Hank: You think there’s more than one nature?

Steve: It says right here, “The natural, physical world is distinct from the constructed and re-constructed images in the mind almost to the point of non-recognition, although they exist concurrently and simultaneously.”

Hank: There’s only one nature that I know about.

Steve: That’s precisely my point.

Hank: You’re making a point?

Steve: Yes, and my point is that there is the physical world and then there is the world of our perceptions of that world. Which one is real? I mean, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?

Leslie: And it’s not good for you either. You shouldn’t let yourself get all plugged up like that.

Leslie: A good BM every day. That’s what you need.

Leslie: Don’t you feel better after a good BM?

(Dori just rolls her eyes.)

Jane: Big huge tapes 30 or 40 feet long?

Phyllis: Yes, they do grow to that size and they have both male and female reproductive organs.

Jane: (amazed) Both male and female reproductive organs? Wow!?

Steve: Tapeworms are perhaps the most integrated creatures on Earth. Hermaphrodite, you know. In touch with both the masculine and the feminine.

Phyllis: They’re in the cestoda family of the phylum Playhelminthes, The broad tapeworm is diphllobothrium and the tiny tapeworm found in dogs is Echinoccus granulosus.

Mac: A runtime error has occurred. Do you wish to debug?

Hank: Well, yeah. I mean it’s fallen and then when you go out in the woods you see that it’s fallen. But it fell before I ever heard anything about it. I mean you can’t go around hearing all the trees that fall. I mean what a racket.

Steve: Of course, our perceptions are more powerful than what actually exists in the physical world. If a tree falls in the woods and it does not affect you in any way, does it really exist for you?

Dori: You know, Leslie, I really don’t want to talk about it. I mean I’m trying to read my book.

Leslie: (hurt) Well, okay. I’m sorry I bothered you.

Jane: My mother told me that, but I didn’t believe her. I mean I never thought people could have tapes in their stomachs. And now you’re telling me that it really is true?

Phyllis: Research has proven that almost 10% of the world population is infected by parasites.

Jane: That many people have tapes in their stomachs?! I didn’t wear shoes all the time on the beach. I mean, I might have a tape in my stomach.

Phyllis: Actually, you can tell by a person’s weight and eating habits.

Hank: Well, it exists when I go out into woods. I might trip over it or something.

Steve: Exactly my point.

Hank: You’re making a point again?

Steve: It isn’t until you trip over something that it actually exists for you. It has affected you. It has done something to you. It has made an impact.

Hank: Well, yeah, it’s an impact. Trippin’ over a tree, that’s bound to make an impact.

Steve: Of course it is. It’s the constructs that are within our minds that are the most powerful, the most real.

Dori: (taking her hand) No, I’m sorry, Leslie. I’m your friend and you can talk to me whenever you like about whatever you like.

Leslie: (brightening) Well, the last time I used that diuretic I had the same results. .

Jane : Well, I have pretty weird eating habits.

Leslie: So do I.

Jane: Well, it really doesn’t matter, does it? It won’t hurt me, having a tape in my stomach, that is.

Hank: You’ve got a tape in your stomach?

Phyllis: Well, having a tape in your stomach, I would consider it significant. (To Steve) What do you think?

Steve: Actually, Phyllis, from a philosophical standpoint, everything is significant. Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? Something as small as a butterfly flapping its wings can cause massive weather implications in another part of the world. Whether or not you wore shoes at the beach could have very far-reaching implications.

Jane: Wow.

Hank: You know, Steve, I don’t think I’ve got any constructs in my brain.

Steve: You just might be right.

Dori: I would like to get back to my book.

Steve: Books, books. Ah, yes. Mankind’s greatest invention and most powerful tool is the pen. Books can change the world. H.G. Wells wrote War of the Worlds, but it was Orson Wells who took it to radio in 1939.

Phyllis: Yes, but George Orwell wrote Animal Farm in 1944 and 1984 in 1949.

Dori: But there’s no connection. You’re talking about two different authors.

Hank: Well, I can’t keep them all straight--John Dos Pasos, William Carlos Williams, Johnny Two-Step. Things that go bump in the night and People who knock on the door.

Leslie: I know just what you mean. Did William Tell shoot an apple off his son’s head with an arrow and wasn’t it put to music at some time?

Mac: You must specify a discussion server in order to use the discussions feature.

Hank: Well, George Washington chopped down a cherry tree.

Leslie: And some poor boy tries chopping down a cherry tree to win world fame (pause) or at least a shot at the White House.

Phyllis: At least he didn’t try shooting an apple off of someone’s head. (fanning herself) Boy, it’s a hot summer.

(From here to the end of the scene, the conversation becomes more and more disjointed and faster and faster until reaching a climax when everybody just kind of stares at each other. Dori is looking more and more confused.)

Phyllis: The Short Summer of Anarchy.

Steve: The Winter of our Discontent.

Leslie: A Mid-summer Night’s Dream.

Mac: You have disabled all security checks.

Dori: What’s everybody talking aobut?

Steve: Do you know how to get there?

Phyllis: Well, it’s just over the river and into the trees.

Steve: No, that was a book by Ernest Hemingway.

Hank: Well it’s very important to be Ernest.

Steve: It all started with The Origin of the Species.

Phyllis: No, it’s more like The Origin of Tragedy.

(They all stop and stare at each other for a few seconds. Then slowly resume their normal activities. Steve sits down and looks at his book. Phyllis stretches. Leslie begins looking in the refrigerator.)

Phyllis: It’s the long good bye.

Leslie: Well, if that ain’t the last hurrah.

Scene Two

(Boardroom. There are charts and graphs all over the wall. Table is piled high with papers and reports. Steve, Dori, Jane, Leslie, and Phyllis are seated around the table. Hank is standing. The computer is on a side table.)

Hank: You’re probably all wondering why I’ve called you here this morning.

(Leslie is conspicuously chewing gum and fidgeting.)

Phyllis: (whispering) What’s the matter? Would you stop fidgeting.

Leslie: Well, I read in a magazine that you can use up 100 calories per hour by fidgeting and another 50 calories an hour if you chew gum. I may as well get some good out of this meeting Hank : (continuing) We are a company in crisis. You’re all aware of some of the unfortunate events that have been going on for some time here. Carpet being laid in buildings before roofs, documents to be destroyed being copied in triplicate, in general putting the cart before the horse and the tail wagging the dog.

Hank: (to Phyllis) I think I can turn it over to you now.

Phyllis: (She stands and paces back and forth) I’ve used state of the art design features, checked and double checked the parameters, detailed the demographic indicators, and meticulously done follow-up on individual case studies and the proof is overwhelming.

(menacing) We have come to the conclusion that there are stupid people in this company.

(Hushed silence, except for Dori Maxwell, who looks very confused.)

Leslie: I know a lot of stupid people. Yes, she’s right.

Phyllis: Look at this pile of documentation. (pointing to the pile of paper.) There are stupid people working in this company.

(Board members look at each other guiltily.)

Phyllis: I propose we create a screening device to keep them out.

Dori: A screening device for stupid people? How in the world can you screen for stupid people?

Phyllis: You can do detailed demographic indicators and performance parameters and test for non-homogeneous variance in differential subgroups.

Dori: People aren’t just stupid or not stupid. Let’s look at our processes. Let’s look at our procedures, incentives and motivation.

Phyllis: No, stupidity persists in spite of all those commonly found behavior modifiers.

Dori: You can’t screen for stupid people.

Phyllis: With computer assisted statistical data mining, you can screen for anything.

Mac: Thank you, Phyllis.

Phyllis: You’re welcome.

Dori: What kind of things can you use in a screening device to screen out stupid people?

Phyllis: Indicators, performance level outcomes, descriptors, evaluation techniques, progress determiners, . . . (into tape recorder) Send statistical info to board members.

Mac: You’ve got mail!

Phyllis: There are differential response rates among certain subgroups. And assuming this is the sample, the differences are sufficiently large that they are not easily attributed to random fluctuations.

(The other people around the table feign understanding.)

Leslie: I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Would anyone like something to eat?

Hank: (To Jane) What do you think?

Jane: Well, I guess it’s a good idea. I mean a lot of places use IQ tests.

Phyllis: No, stupidity is a dimension in and of itself. It’s not easily related to intelligence. As a matter of fact, the majority of the stupid acts we’ve found were committed by people with MBA’s.

Dori: Somehow I’m not surprised.

Steve: (Standing) Well, I am going to make a bold new step here. We’re all aware of Darwin’s Origin of the Species. And as we all know, Darwin proved the fact of evolution and the modus operandi of this is natural selection or the survival of the fittest. But in human society, curiously, we are reversing this natural process. While nature has decreed survival of the fittest, we have a tendency to protect the weak, the old, the stupid and that’s precisely the reason we’re in the situation we find ourselves in today. Warnings on blow dryers “Do not use in the bathtub.” If they were electrocuted we would get them out of the gene pool and we would all be better off for it.

Phyllis: This is carrying things a little further than I thought, but reluctantly I do see your point.

Mac: This page requires a secure connection which includes server authentication. The certificate issuer for this site is untrusted or unknown. Do you wish to proceed?

Dori: Do you hear yourself talking? Are you listening to what you’re saying?

Leslie: My ears are just fine.

Jane: Well, what if we eliminate the wrong ones?

Phyllis: I admit we will have to proceed with extreme caution. Hank: I’m not quite sure I can go along with this either. People, a company is made up of people.

Phyllis: Exactly my point.

Hank: Now you’re making a point too?

Phyllis: These are people we can do without.

Dori: We’re talking about intellectual cleansing, for God’s sake.

Leslie: I have to go to the little girl’s room. Back in a flush.

Steve: Has anyone else noticed that she spends a disproportionate amount of time in the bathroom?

Hank: I think we ought to check into it. They hide cameras in bathrooms sometimes. Those commies. You never know where they’re going to show up.

Phyllis: (Into tape recorder.) Check bathrooms for communist cameras.

Jane: These people need to be trained. We can plan a series of workshops.

Phyllis: We’ve been through that already. It’s more that just a training issue here. The research demonstrates that stupid people do exist and that they persist regardless of training. The parametric and non-parametric statistical methods refer to inferential properties that conclude something about a population. It’s proven right here. (Holds up a thick document.)

Phyllis: Shall I demonstrate with a little personality quiz?

Leslie: (Reentering the room .) I feel better now.

Phyllis: (continuing) You’re walking down a road and you see a cup in the road. What kind of cup is it?

Hank: A Co-op, Belly Buster, 42 ounce soda mug.

Steve: An insulted travel coffee cup.

Leslie: A McDonald’s Happy Meal cup.

Dori: An earthenware mug.

Jane: A fancy cup and saucer.

Phyllis: What’s the road like?

Hank: A superhighway.

Steve: A busy city street.

Leslie: The street right outside my house.

Dori: A winding mountain trail.

Jane : A path through the desert.

Phyllis: You come to a lake with an island in the middle. How do you get to the island?

Hank: I walk over the bridge, of course.

Steve: I swing over on a rope.

Leslie: I take the ferry.

Dori: I swim.

Jane: I walk over on the stepping stones.

(Phyllis explains the meaning of the Personality Quiz. As she does, she takes out a notebook and begins taking notes. Hank, Leslie, and Steve exhibit a certain amount of pride in the way they are being described. Dori only looks confused. Jane becomes more and more uncomfortable until she is fighting back tears by the end of the episode.)

Phyllis: Well, the way you describe the cup is the way you think of life in general. (To Hank)You, Hank, live life to its fullest. No middle of the road stuff for you.

(To Steve) For you, it’s a world of travel and adventure.

(To Leslie) For you, it’s a happy world and optimistic.

(To Dori) To you, very natural and close to the earth.

(To Jane) And if you chose a cup AND saucer it reveals that you are ingenuine and characterized by duplicity.

(Jane starts to feel uncomfortable.)

Phyllis: The way you describe the road is how you feel about your own personal life. (To Hank) His life is fast paced and full of action.

(To Steve) To you, the urbane scene, full of culture and artistic expression.

(To Leslie) You, Leslie, you like to stay close to home.

(To Dori) And, Dori, your life is full of surprises and unexpected turns.

(To Jane)And you, Jane, your life is dull, dry, and very boring.

How you get to the island describes your social life.

(To Hank)You, take the most obvious, direct approach.

(To Steve)And you, Steve, the swinger. I see you don’t spend all your time reading. (Everyone chuckles.)

(To Leslie) And you, Les, I think you want to expend the least possible amount of energy.

(To Dori) And Dori, of course, wants to do things herself.

And, if you (not even looking at Jane) decide to walk over on the stepping stones, it demonstrates that you have very bad social skills, nobody likes you, and you’re basically a social outcast.

So you see there are scientifically proven measures to check for personality traits.

(Dori goes to Jane and comforts her.)

Dori: You haven’t proven anything. You can’t decide a person’s worth based on some little quiz.

Hank: Well, the answer’s pretty easy. When you find one of those stupid people just eliminate them. Make them examples. You know they didn’t hang horse thieves to stop them from stealing horses. They hung horse thieves to stop other people from stealing horses.

Steve: Actually, what we need is a whole new paradigm.

Leslie: I think the paradigm we have now is just fine.

Steve: I mean a new way of looking at things.

Phyllis: We need more research.

Hank: We need more discipline.

Leslie: We need more food and you know- more bathroom breaks.

Jane: We need more understanding.

Dori: We need just one small voice of sanity. We can’t screen for stupid people.

Hank: It can be done and it will be done. So help me God. Meeting adjourned. (Pounds on the table with a gavel, which in this case is a small set of antlers.)

Scene Three

(Staff room with a refrigerator, a table, couch and chairs, and a computer (the same one from the previous scene). Leslie enters and helps herself to some food (It can be any kind of food so long as it stays consistent throughout the scene) from the fridge, pokes around and finds some more things and sits down at the table to eat them, hears a noise, wipes her mouth, disposes of papers or other evidence in the garbage can, runs to the couch grabs a magazine and pretends to be intently reading.)

(Jane enters with a board game.)

Jane: Hi, Les, want to play?

Leslie: Sure.

(They set up the game and begin, very animatedly, to play. They become totally overjoyed when they win and very angry and almost violent when they lose.)

Leslie: I’ll show you. I’m gonna win.

Jane: No, no. It’s my turn.

(Game begins.)

Leslie: Oh, ho. Look at that. I’m off to a great start.

Jane: You don’t have to be so sassy about it.

(More of the same continuing to the side.)

Leslie: It was on the line. I spin again.

Jane: No, it’s not on the line.

Leslie: It’s on the line. It’s on the line. I spin again.

Jane: I didn’t go again when I was on the line.

Leslie: A winning spin. Yes, oh yes. (She rubs her hands in glee and moves the piece.)

Jane: Never again. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You’ll see. Next time I’M on the line I’LL spin again too.

(Hank, Phyllis, Steve, and Dori enter. Doi takes a bag of popcorn out of the microwave, sits down with it and begins to read a book and nibble on the popcorn. Phyllis and Steve sit together on the couch. Hank crosses to the refrigerator.)

Hank: (Opening the fridge.) I had some food here. Who ate my food? (loud and accusingly) Somebody here ate my food! Well, if that aint’ the limit. A man can’t keep food in the refrigerator at work. Oh no, somebody has to take his food.

Steve: (To Phyllis) More integrated, connected ways of knowing will ultimately bring an understanding that is closer to the truth.

Phyllis: Of course, and in order to fully exploit the research potential, one would have to set up an experimental group and a control group with one variable identified.

Hank: (Looking in the garbage can.) And here it is: the evidence—cold, hard evidence. Now it’s only us here. Somebody had to do it.

Steve: We need to reevaluate, rethink, and question our assumptions, even about the value of human life. What worked for the 20th century farmer and factory worker won’t work in the information age.

(Dori Maxwell is eating popcorn. She begins to cough.)

Hank: I was going to eat that fruit for lunch. Try to do something good for yourself and look what happens. Lack of integrity, that’s what it is. Lack of integrity.

Phyllis: But in order to make an experimental design sufficiently rigorous, it must include the qualities of both validity and reliability.

Steve: Exactly, simple categorical explanations feed a destructive belief system and deflect a healthy inquiry about our own complexity.

(Dori is signaling for help. Hank stops momentarily and looks at her, then turns away and resumes talking about his food.)

Hank: Somebody ate my food. And I’m going to find out who it was. They can’t get away with this.

Phyllis: Rigorous, scientifically approved, standards of experimental techniques involves some disassociation from emotional ties to the status quo, what we’ve been conditioned to assume.

Steve: The problem is that significant segments of our society still believe in antiquated theories that restrict their ability to see broader, more balanced philosophies.

Hank: Just who do they think they are? Taking my food, MY food.

Leslie: Yes, oh, yes.

Jane: There, I got one too. I’m gonna win. You’ll see.

Leslie: Oh no you won’t.

Hank: (Gets Phyllis’s attention, points toward Dori) What do you think, Phyllis? (Advancing toward Dori)

Phyllis: No, no, no. Administering first aid without proper training can be a liability. (Into the tape recorder) Distribute information about safety procedures and first aid.

(Dori signals for the Heimlich.)

Steve: I’ve read that you can break people’s ribs by administering the Heimlich incorrectly.

Phyllis: (Into the tape recorder) And the Heimlich.

Mac: You’ve got mail.

(Dori falls to the floor.)

Hank: Well, we wouldn’t want to break her ribs.

(Steve picks up the bag of popcorn and looks at it.)

Steve: It doesn’t say anything here about choking potential. Do you think she’s really choking?

Mac: You have committed a fatal error and the system will shut down.

(Jane and Leslie leave the game and go to Dori. Leslie takes the popcorn and begins eating it.)

Mac: You have committed a fatal error and the system will shut down.

Jane: Dori, Dori. (Checking her pulse) She’s dead.

Phyllis : More bad publicity. Just what we need. How is this going to look on our insurance reports?

Jane: Should we call the police?

Phyllis: (annoyed) I don’t know. Ask the legal adviser.

Hank: And somebody stole my food.

Scene Four

(All of this scene takes place with Dori lying dead on the floor. People are stepping over her to go from one part of the stage to the other.)

Jane: The police are on their way. I called them.

Steve: (genuinely happy) Great. We need all the press we can get.

Leslie (to Steve) You seem pretty happy about it.

Steve: Happy? I’m exultant. Do you see what we’ve done here? We’re going through a revolution just as profound as when Copernicus proved that the Earth is not the center of the universe. We are embarking on a new stage of our evolution.. Man is not some specially favored species. We belong to the same evolutionary course as the rest of the living things on this planet. Survival of the fittest. Only the smart and the strong will survive.

Jane: I don’t know, I don’t know. I can’t explain it, but Dori is dead. She’s dead. Doesn’t that mean anything to anybody?

Steve: (embracing Jane) Jane, Jane, my dear, your emotions are commendable, laudable, but they get in the way of intellectual decision making and acting for the good of all. I mean what’s more important, one individual life or the onward march of human evolution? We, this company, may become immortalized in future generations. We’ve stopped playing and pandering to so many different philosophies. We’ve taken it to the next level. We, finally, after all these generations, we’re finally acting on what we know. In an overpopulated world, we’ve eliminated one person. But it’s a start.

Jane: If everybody thought like that, we’d be killing people left and right.

Hank: That’s right. And we shouldn’t kill people left and right, just the left, right?

Jane: (crying) Maybe I’m just a cup and saucer on a desert path, but I can feel remorse over a friend, a coworker, a fellow traveler on this road of life, who is now gone, taken from our midst, snuffed out, dead.

Steve: (to Jane) Hush, hush, there, little one. It’s for the best. It’s really for the best.

Leslie: Let’s look at this rationally. I mean with Dori dead, there’s more for the rest of us.

Phyllis: And God knows we need to free up some of that payroll budget.

Jane: Well, I guess so. Besides, here are the police.

(Two policemen arrive. One with clipboard in hand, the other spends more time looking around, looking behind things, etc.)

Police 1: Okay, you’re saying there was a death here. (Rummaging through his papers) These are the forms we need right here. There’s a 10-190, a C-477, a P-55, and of course the obligatory 697-A. I’ve got to get this right this time. I missed a form at the last call that almost lost me my job. (To himself) Nice kid, too. Hate to see him blown up like that. (returning) Well, where were we?

Jane: It was an accident, officer, she choked on popcorn.

Police 1: So you’re saying this was an accident. Well, that means we’ll have to do a W-16 and a T-150. Choked on popcorn, you say. We’re going to have to do some investigating into that popcorn. (Looking around) Where the rest of the popcorn?

Leslie: I ate it.

Police 1: You ate it?! That was evidence.

Leslie: Well, I can testify that it was delicious.

Police 1: Are you willing to make an official deposition to that effect?

Leslie: I certainly am.

Police 1: Well, okay then.

Phyllis: Our popcorn was not at fault. Since the incident, I have compiled this report about our popcorn. We always use the highest quality popcorn. (Hands the officer a thick document.)

Police 1: What happened immediately before the incident?

Hank: Somebody stole my food. That’s what happened immediately before the incident. Maybe you’d better look into that too.

Police 1: Oh no, a theft too? Now I’ll have to do Form 397 and a Form 116.

Steve: Actually, we were discussing the elimination of stupid people.

Police 1: So you’re suggesting it was a homicide?

Phyllis (into walkie-talkie) Risk management, over.

Steve: Throughout the history of humanity, there is a glaring discrepancy between what we know and how we behave. It takes a superman, (obviously talking about himself) someone who is willing to take the plunge and act, who will really change the world, make it a better place.

Phyllis (Aside, continuing into walkie-talkie) Is that right? An accident implies company fault, but a homicide can be deflected from the company onto the individual. (pause) With possible bonus for publicity, although there are risks involved. Yes, I understand. I’ll get right onto it. Will do.

(To police) I am the official spokesperson for the company and we would like to make it official that it was a homicide.

Police 1: What is it? An accident or a homicide? I have to know whether to fill out a T-150 or Q-874. Great, that’s just great. (Looking through his papers to find the script for a homicide. To himself.) Homicide, homicide. (Returning) Okay, here it is. Did she have any personal enemies?

Leslie: I didn’t like her very much, skinny little thing.

Jane: Homicide?! She choked on popcorn. We all saw her. Doesn’t anybody feel any sympathy or compassion about what has happened?

Police 1: People die everyday. Ma’am. I have a job to do—fill out these forms and get them into the chief, and on time.

Police 2: Did anyone try to help her?

(Everything stops. There is a pause.)

Steve: (Begins abruptly.) Very good question, sir, very good question. I’m so glad you asked that question. (Referring to the book.) It says right here that overpopulation is one of the greatest problems facing the modern world. Did you know that there are close to six billion people on Earth?

Leslie: Finances has told us that we need to find ways to cut expenses. Elimination of personnel has been identified as one legitimate means.

Phyllis: And here’s a copy of the memo regarding that.

Police 1: Well, that looks pretty legitimate. Budget cuts, I know what they are. My job is hanging by a thread. So it was part of your restructuring to eliminate this position?

Police 2: Why didn’t you help her?

Hank: Well, I. . . I. I didn’t want to crack her ribs. You can crack ribs if you administer the Heimlich incorrectly. Isn’t that right Phyllis?

Phyllis: Yes, it is. And it’s against company policy to administer first aid unless you have been properly trained.

Hank: Yeah, that’s right. Company policy. Company policy.

Police 2: Why didn’t you help her?

Hank: (angry) Well, that’s not my job. I’m the CEO. I’m not supposed to go around stopping people from choking. I can’t get involved in personal situations like that.

Police 1: If you’re the CEO, aren’t you then responsible?

(Hank blusters)

Hank: (Turns to Phyllis for help) Phyllis.

Phyllis: Well, uh. . . Here is the release of liability form that relieves the company of any and all responsibility for anything that happens regardless of wrong doing. Every employee has to sign one before they’re hired.

Hank: That’s right. There you go.

Police 1: (Looking at the document) Looks good to me. (Thinking.) But it does seem like somebody could have helped her.

Steve: How would the police chief react if he knew you had stood in the way of one of the greatest advances of human evolution?

Police 1: Right, right. You’re absolutely right. I’ll get those forms in and in good form too. Everything by the book. That’s what I say.

Jane: It was an accident.

Police1: The official report says it wasn’t.

Police 2: Why didn’t you help her then?

Jane: Well, I. . I. . .

Police 1: Hum, you don’t know. I think I’m going to have to ask you to come along with me.

Jane: Me?

Police 1: (to Jane) You’re the one who’s been insisting it was an accident, but the official statement of the company says that it was a homicide. Suspicious, very suspicious.

Jane: It was an accident.

Police 1: It's getting late. Well, who called us anyway?

Jane: I did.

Police 1: She’s the only one without a good explanation. Let's arrest her.

Jane: Me?! Why me?!

Police 1: Well, I have to arrest someone. I have to send in a report. And, besides that, I'm getting hungry.

(Jane leaves with the police.)

Leslie: (After a brief pause.) It serves her right for calling the police. I wanted to bury her in the garden.

Mac: The program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down. If problem persists, contact your technical support person.

Leslie: No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Scene Five

(Boardroom. Fewer charts and graphs. Some are hanging lopsided on the wall.)

Leslie (Eating) Have you noticed that there are getting to be fewer and fewer of us around here?

Hank: (To Phyllis). That was a lie. That was a bold-faced lie. Jane didn’t kill Dori. That homicide business was just to put the company in a better light.

Phyllis: Listen, old man, you’re part of this company too. If it goes down, you go down with it.

Hank: Why didn’t we help her? Dori’s dead. We can’t do anything about that, but we can save Jane.

Mac: Word has encountered file corruption while opening C drive. Part of this document may be recoverable. Attempt recovery now?

Hank: See, even Mac agrees with me.

Mac: Thank you, Hank.

Hank: (Confused) You’re welcome.

Steve: No, no. We’re not going to turn this into a morality play. Right and wrong are relative. Who are you to decide what’s right and what’s wrong? It says right here, “The idea of absolutes restricts our ability to see different perspectives and paradigms.”

Hank: Give me that book. (Throws the book out the window.)

Steve: You just threw the compiled knowledge of mankind out the window.

Hank: Well, it never did me any good.

Steve: You’re going to become a wildman, Neanderthal, It’s the written word that has allowed us to progress, to accumulate knowledge, to pass it on.

Hank: Well, I’ve gotten along all these years without it.

Steve: We aren’t trapped into the cycle of reinventing the wheel. One generation standing on the shoulders of previous generations, looking higher, reaching farther, going beyond what was ever thought was possible.

Hank: I’m staying right here. I’m not getting on anybody’s shoulders to see anything. I can see all I want from right here. I’m a man.

Steve: I’m a man too. I’m a man who can think.

Hank: I’m a man who can do something.

Phyllis: (To Leslie) I guess that leaves us out.

Hank: Why didn’t we help her?

Mac: The program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down.

Hank: Would you shut up?

(Hank walks over to Mac to unplug it.)

Phyllis: No, don’t unplug it. Please don’t unplug it.

Hank: Why not?

Phyllis: Just believe me, Hank, don’t unplug it. It’s for the best.

Hank: Why don’t you want me to unplug it? It’s just a machine. (To Mac) Sorry, Mac.

Mac: It’s okay.

Phyllis: Well if you must know. Not many people know this, but look. (Turns and shows the back of her head.) We’re connected. There’s this little wire on the back of my head that connects to the computer. If you unplug it I’ll die.

Hank: How do you know you’ll die?

Phyllis: Well, I don’t know I’ll die. I mean I’ve never done it, but please don’t unplug it. I don’t want to find out.

Hank: You won’t die.

Phyllis: Hank, please.

Hank: Well, here goes. (Unplugs the computer. It turns off with an audible moan.)

Mac: (audible moan)

Phyllis: (Cries out, as if in pain, but then revives.) Oh, I’m okay. Can I think? Yes, I believe I can. (Continues to look about in wonder.)

Hank: (To Leslie) And you, get that food out of your mouth.

Leslie: Ohhhh. I’m starving.

Hank: Okay, it’s just us here now. Jane’s in jail and we have to get her out.

Leslie: Well, I’ve put my faith in the American judiciary system.

Steve: You poor girl.

Leslie: If they acquit her, she’s innocent. If they convict her, she’s guilty.

Steve: No, it just means she’s been proven guilty.

Hank: So there you go, you see. All that evidence really doesn’t get at the truth.

Phyllis: I hate to say this now, after such a liberating experience, (still somewhat awed that she can think without being connected to the computer ) but we still have to have evidence. All our ideas, as wonderful as they are, will not hold up in a court of law. There’s a big world out there. We can’t take what we know and feel here and expect someone else to understand it. Like it or not, we need evidence.

Steve: And we can’t go on thinking the same way we’ve always thought. We can’t continue to uphold the status quo. We have to start thinking outside the box.

Hank: You’re right. I think I’m beginning to see it.

Steve: See what?

Hank: A new paradigm. (Hank is looking out into the distance.)

Steve: (Looking in the same direction.) You see a new paradigm? Where?

Hank: It’s out there. Maybe in front of the trees. No, a little to the left, ah yes, there it is.

Steve: Hank, you’re scaring me.

Leslie: Well, no wonder we’re in the mess we’re in. I’m the only sane person here. I’m in a company of fruitcakes. And now I would like a good delicious donut. A doughnut, anyone? I’m reading a very interesting book. It’s called. You Are What you Eat.

Steve: Why don’t you go in the bathroom and read it?

Leslie: I think I will.

(Leslie leaves. Off stage she screams.)

Leslie: (Coming onstage carrying something small in her hand.) Look what I found in the bathroom.

Steve: It’s a bug.

Phyllis: Well, kill it. (She tries to kill it with a newspaper, but Hank stops her.)

Hank: No, it’s not that kind of a bug!

Hank: (To Phyllis.) What percentage of that population did you say had tapes in their stomachs?

Phyllis: Ten percent.

Hank: And is that significant?

Phyllis: Yes, in any research context, ten percent would be considered significant, unless of course you were considering a very large pool or participants all of whom. . .

Hank: (cutting her off) Of course, yes, that’s it. They do hide cameras in bathrooms.

(To Leslie) You are what you eat.

(To Steve) It is a whole new paradigm.

(Hank runs out of the room)

Leslie: Well, sometimes you just really have to go.

Scene Six

(Begin the scene with all characters seated. They all stand when the judge enters.)

Judge: You may be seated. We are here for the prosecution of Ms. Jane Dobson for the murder of Ms. Dori Maxwell.

Prosecutor: (Standing) It is my desire to prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that this young woman, Jane Dobson, killed, in cold blood, her co-worker, Dori Maxwell.

Judge: Yes, Mr. Prosecutor, I’m sure it is.

Prosecutor: May I call my first witness to the stand?

Judge: Yes, I believe that is the procedure.

Prosecutor: Will Mr. Steven Stone take the witness stand.

(Steve takes the stand.)

Prosecutor: Can you describe the scene just before the incident.

Steve: Yes, well, it was in the staff room. Leslie and Jane were playing a game. Jane was winning.

Leslie: That’s a lie. I was winning.

Judge: No more outbursts like that. (To Steve) Please continue.

Steve: As I said, Leslie and Jane were playing a game. Leslie was eating.

Prosecutor: What was she eating?

Steve: I don’t know. I didn’t see her eating anything.

Prosecutor: Then how do you know she was eating?

Steve: Believe me, she was eating. As a matter of fact, I think she was eating Mr. Sweetly’s food.

Hank: That’s right, your honor. Somebody stole my food.

Leslie: It wasn’t me.

Judge: Order, order. Can I have some order here? We’re not here to find out who stole Mr. Sweetly’s food. This is a murder trial. Can I have some quiet?

Prosecutor: Was there anybody else in the room?

Steve: Yes, Ms. Durant and I were also in the room.

Judge: So Ms. Maxwell was in a roomful of people? Interesting, very interesting.

Prosecutor: So then how did Ms. Maxwell die?

Steve: Actually, she choked on popcorn.

Judge: Choked on popcorn?! So you’re saying this was an accident.

Steve: Yes, your honor.

Prosecutor: The official report said it was a homicide.

Judge: Based on who’s information?

Prosecutor: Who’s information? I don’t know who’s information. It was the official report. Is this a court of law or not? An official report is an official report.

Mac: The source of this information is untrusted or unknown. Do you wish to proceed?

Judge: Listen here, Mac, you only speak when you’re spoken to in my courtroom.

Mac: Sorry, Judge.

Judge: Just don’t let it happen again. Hmmmmm. Choked to death in a roomful of people. I wish I could say I’d never heard of such a thing. So if Ms. Maxwell was in roomful of people, how is it that Ms. Dobson is at fault more than anyone else?

Prosecutor: That’s what we’re all here for. I can prove that there were compelling reasons for their inaction which can be proven. (To Steve) Can you relate to us why you were, shall I say, hesitant to come to the aid of Ms. Maxwell when you saw her choking on popcorn.

Steve: Oh course, let me explain. We know that stupidity abounds in the world. It’s all because we’ve created a system of laws that protect the weak and the stupid. We’re all aware of Darwin and survival of the fittest. We are reversing the course of evolution. We’re getting dumber not smarter.

Judge: Well, there’s no argument there. So you think you’ve got something that will set this system straight?

Steve: Yes, your honor, I think we do.

Judge: I’m all ears.

Prosecutor: Judge, we are not here to solve the problems of humanity. We are here on one specific incident, murder I believe, and we can’t go running about trying to save the world.

Judge: Well, I think saving the world is an significant and honorable endeavor . With your permission of course, Councilor.

Judge: Council for the Defense, would you like to cross-examine?

Hank: No, your honor. We have no objection to Mr. Stone’s premise.

Prosecutor: If the defense has no wish to cross examine, I would like to call Ms. Phyllis Durant to the stand.

(Phyllis takes the stand)

Prosecutor: Just before this unfortunate incident, was the company not in the process of identifying certain individuals who were, shall we say, responsible for some very unfortunate situations in the company?

Phyllis: Yes, that’s true.

Prosecutor: Did you not, in fact, illustrate the concept of stupidity using a well-accepted personality identification device which you gave to the board members?

Phyllis: Yes, I did, but I didn’t mean to imply that it was someone in the room.

Prosecutor: Just answer the question.

Phyllis: It was in a more generalized context, it wasn’t meant to . . .

Prosecutor: Yes or No.

Phyllis: Yes.

Prosecutor: And who was it who demonstrated a subnormal range of intelligence using this device?

Phyllis: (Pointing to Jane) Her.

Prosecutor: No further questions.

Judge: Would you like to cross examine?

Hank: Yes, your honor.

Hank: Did you say that this was a well-accepted personality screening device?

Phyllis: Yes, I did.

Hank: So it is a screening device for personality not for intelligence, is that so?

Phyllis: Yes, it is.

Hank: That is all. You may step down now.

(Phyllis steps down.)

Prosecutor: As you can see, there were some compelling reasons why these coworkers were unable, at the time, to come to the aid of Ms. Maxwell.

Judge: (To Hank) What do you have to say to that?

Hank: If you allow me, I’d like to call my first witness. Would Ms. Leslie Lovejoy take the stand. (Leslie takes the stand.) And present my first piece of evidence, an article entitled You Are What You Eat. Ms. Lovejoy, could you please read the article.

Leslie: “You are What You Eat” (Clears throat.) You’re entire body is a book. Throughout your digestive track there is a record of your thoughts, your actions and your personal well being. Everything you say and do, everything you eat leaves its imprint in your body in some way. Small miniscule events take on huge proportions when they are isolated and observed for specific purposes and with specific measures.

Prosecutor: I object. This is completely off the subject.

Hank: Judge, if you’ll allow me. I am going somewhere with this.

Judge: You had better be.

Hank: Ms. Lovejoy, you may step down. And I would like to call the defendant to the stand.

(Leslie steps down and Jane takes the stand.)

Hank: We have acquired some evidence that will clear our client once and for all.

Prosecutor: What evidence could you possibly have?

Hank: Do you remember when you were a little girl, your mother told you to always wear shoes at the beach?

Jane: Well, yes.

Hank: And did you always wear shoes at the beach?

Jane: (crying) No, no. I’m not being prosecuted for that, am I? That was over twenty years ago. I obeyed my mother almost all the time. I only went barefoot a few times. You’re not going to try me for that. No, no. I’ve tried to be good. I’ve tried to be so good. All my life I’ve tried to be good. That thing. That one little thing. Oh, no. Oh my god.

Hank : And why was it that you were to wear shoes at the beach?

(Jane hesitating and holding back tears.)

Hank: (forcefully) Why was it she told you to wear shoes at the beach?

Jane: Well, she said tapeworms would bore into my feet and . . .

Hank: Exactly. (pause) Exactly, but you didn’t wear shoes at the beach, did you?

Jane: (Weeping.) No.

Hank: And tapeworms did indeed bore into your feet. But, boy, do I have news for you. IT IS A WHOLE NEW PARADIGM. (Pulls aside curtain and reveals a large reel to reel tape player) Do you know what happened to those tapes?

Leslie: Here they are. We have your whole life recorded. You did not wear shoes at the beach and tapeworms did bore into your feet and here are the tapes.

Hank: AND it’s the broad tapeworm. The broadband tape can be tied to a radio receiver to record 28 radio broadcasting bands at the same time. 64 channels of information into each inch of tape. This is traveling at a rate of 15 inches per second. In that second, 32 different frames are recorded. We have over 30 feet of tape here. . .

Phyllis: Quite easily we can statistically identify the time of the choking incident. It was, as you see, an accident, a tragic accident. With this body of evidence, we can prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ms. Dobson was simply an innocent bystander. But it was only possible through the use of computer assisted data mining.

Mac: Thank you, Phyllis.

Phyllis: Thank you, Mac.

Hank: We have had some interesting findings in preparation for this trial, your Honor, if you’ll allow me.

Judge: Be my guest.

Phyllis: Actually, we have found that people cannot be classified as either stupid or not stupid. Stupidity comes and goes in each individual. And if we were to eliminate everyone who committed a stupid act we would all be exterminated and we would annihilate human life as we know it. Stupidity actually makes life more interesting and puts us into situations that require us to use strategies and take positions we didn’t realize existed.

Steve: And interestingly, stupid acts often serve as springboards for different ways of seeing and thinking. Sometimes stupid acts are nothing more than an attempt to see things from a different perspective, respond to a different set of rules, and frankly they are what lead us onward to new ways of doing and seeing things and ultimately, yes, even new paradigms.

Leslie: And I was right all along. You are what you eat.

Judge: (standing) This is the most profound and far reaching case I have ever tried during my career on the bench. We’ve settled once and for all the stupidity question. Stupidity is part and parcel of life. May we always embrace and cherish our own stupidity. It is stupidity that has brought the human species thus far and stupidity will take us onward.

(Judge bangs on the bench with his gavel. The tapes are going round and round. Hank’s crying and hugging everybody. There is a feeling of relief. Jane looks up awed and relieved. Her coworkers come over to hug and congratulate her. The prosecutor packs up his papers and gets ready to leave. He shakes hands with Hank. There’s a feeling of ending and finality.)

Mac: (hauntingly) Do you wish to proceed?

THE END